Anevay Peta

Its been a long time I shouldn't have left you.....

2011-04-14T16:23:00.001-07:00

Well...as the title states...it's been a long time...I did some catching up on old blogs...and I must admit interesting.........................................................

ON TO THA NEXT

Now its been almost two years since I've even made a conscious effort to blog about something of substance. I decided to touch on three topics that are relevant to my audience's life: Life, Love, and Knowledge

Let's face it...it's only gonna get harder....BUT thats only if you think and work harder. Am lazy I rather worker smarter...

Wanna get more money and still be full-time in school: get two or three easy jobs that are flexible duuuhhhh

Wanna be in-love without all the heartache and pain....LOVE YOU FIRST, then let him/her come your way...almost like a haphazard-stumble-across type thing.... I know it worked for me

Wanna learn more....to make more money....go to school....study things that are meaningful...don't just take that one-credit hour class just for the hell of it....try philosophy....

And BAM right there, I just touched on each topic....SMARTER not HARDER

Now for the details.....

After a MAJOR heartbreak....I bounced back....lemme tell you people...WORD OF THE WISE: No

one can hurt, change, or influence you unless you let them...AND THATS REAL!!

Religion to me has become quite ambiguous...the characteristics I look for in a denomination is one

where the people no me...personally....and hug me cause...they are simply "Happy to see you bay-bee"

exclaims a Mother of the church....

Love to me has become quite long-term oriented goal....and I found someone who brought me from

the dark of pain.....I know a lot of people who say all they run into are these decrepit "hoes" and they

gotta play captain save a hoe.....Here's what I think...1. you attract the wrong kind of people only b/c thats

your skewed perception...2. why you think you gotta play captain save hoe...that means you just as dumb

cause you are now enabling them and 3. takes one to know one.....lol just saying

Knowledge to me has become something more extensive...I perceived knowledge to be only ascribed to

school...and knowledge learned outside of that realm is common sense....not denying that detail...but

knowledge is everything from how you learned to take care of your hair...to the m theory!!! Criminal

Minds has become my nightly fix on knowledge, although twisted...it is soo deep and detail-oriented

that I tend to apply what I've learned from forensics, ballistics and behaviorial analysis to what I already know

and experience in my life.

Now that I've blogged a little...am gonna hit the books again...I'll be visiting soon...... ;)

When You Grow Up

2009-11-13T22:31:00.000-08:00

I grow up when I need to

I grow up when I heed to

I don't understand when can I walk in my shoes

Because everyone older seem to have issues

I try to be responsible

But of course, I thought I was too grown

So I fell back as much as possible

But now I am too old, so responsibility I must own

I sit here wondering

And then I continue pondering....

When am I going to grow up???

I am to me...but when will I to you?

I'm trying to be my own person and not get stuck

But once again apparently to you I am being untrue

Because I want to be independent

I think thats jus a hard pill to swallow for you

Sometimes you gotta let go and let God

But you have yet to let go anyone...so I should not find this odd!

I am trying to be the woman you raised me to be...

But how can I when around my neck you keep a tight leash...?

Now that I have severed it and set up my own shop

You become childish and selfish and your support just stop!

I don't understand whose the kid and whose the adult here...

But I do understand it isn't you, cause you are not being fair.

But its all good....this ain't Pokemon...I can't catch em all

I will let you alone....but I hope our relationship to the fire it will not fall!

AS REQUESTED!!!

2009-10-11T18:51:00.000-07:00

I haven't been publishing but I have been writing....

L I F E ' S B R E A K T H R O U G H

So I believe I've figured it out!!!!

I've realized that life is all what you about.

And yes some strings and cables for clout

But you can't build bridges based on doubt

Yea, going to school and being a smart asshole

is all grand, getting a good job to repay loans tri-fold

is great...but really is that why were made?

I sit and ponder, like Pinky and the Brain

that the point being missed, is whats main.

That point you ask? I believe is revealed

once you unmask the B. S. that concealed

it. If you can transcend the earthly things

then God, that message He'll resend, or even I.M. 'ping'

But will you receive it? Cause your signal is weak.

to get past man's pride, you must have spiritual peak.

See God, He placed us here and surrounded us with trivial matters

Things that spoil us, beef us up like pork on silver platters.

But no, what its about is moving past YOU!

To see if maybe you can save a few.

The main point is to HELP THE NEXT...

Ok, now don't look so perplexed!

Its just the fact of living for others

that got you bothered.

But don't get your panties in a bunch!

This is your ULTIMATE func-

tion.

Ladies, are wives and mothers, the caregivers

Gentlemen, are husbands and fathers, the providers

Fulfill roles of sister, brother, son, and daughter

But the main thing is helping your sister, brother, wife, husband, father, mother, son and daughter not falter!

Ish gone piss you off, cause God made sure not to quip us with every single tool ready made

So the package is only effective when you manage to get creative.

The brains He gave us, can formulate master plans of movement

Something to spark improvement.

We're just lazy, cause it's easier to destroy a population,

you know, eliminate the problem

than to rebuild a nation,

you know, those issues, you solve 'em.

So the culmination of my opinion

is to stop being a human minion

And work to move everyone else forward

before yourself, become empowered

with being your brother or sister's keeper

and not a gold-digging selfish reward reaper.

Stepping My Game Up

2009-10-08T10:26:00.000-07:00

I went to Morehouse college the other day and linked up with a close friend from high school. I use think talking to guys openly about things and not holding punches back was refreshing and mind-stimulating....BUT OH NO!!!! I hadn't seen ANYTHING yet!!!

I chatted with my hun...Jeffrey Williams...and I was LITERALLY at awe!!! And I decided that I had not been TRULY experiencing a MIND STIMULATING conversation.

I have never ran in to a young man or even had the pleasure of knowing one closely like him. He is BEYOND articulate, and can showcase him self with such tact and conviction, you'd be CRAZY not to consider ANY thought he has.

I have been following his blog http://ispybeanpies.blogspot.com/ (CHECK IT OUT!!!) And once again I am amazed at the intellect that this boy...WAIT!!! I mean MAN possesses!

He told me I need to start back writing/blogging more...I have just been soooo busy...sooo just wanted to ask....what are some things to talk about...I have been sooo out of touch...and find it more interesting to talk about what interests others.

The Frog Princess...Oops I mean The Princess AND the Frog

2009-09-20T18:57:00.000-07:00

...but wait don't she get turned into a frog anyway?????

So ok...if you don't know by now....Disney is coming out with the FIRST BLACK PRINCESS (check out the trailer)...but wait!!! She ain't no princess...she is actually a damn chambermaid...tht I think was dressed up one night and mistaken for a princess by the frog prince.

Thats not it...MADDY, which was the original name...(now is Tianna) and is as Heidi Trotta, Disney's spokesperson states

"Princess Tiana will be a heroine in the great tradition of Disney’s rich animated fairy tale legacy, and all other characters and aspects of the story will be treated with the greatest respect and sensitivity."

I am actually quite happy, but i know people brought up the fact that, "yo, she's a chambermaid that wants to be a chef...where the princess title come from?" All I can say to that is to watch the movie coming out December 11th, 2009. "Jus in time fa Chris'mass yaw" lol (ok I'm a stop)

But no really, the racial discrepancies I have with the movie is one the dental plan....WHAT IS IT WITH HOLLYWOOD'S PERCEPTION OF BLACK PEOPLE AND TEETH??? Ok, check it out...see where I'm coming from.... remember Transformers two...(y'all know where I am headed with this)...yea who can ever forget them twins...you know with the (drum roll please) THE JACKED UP GRILL!!!!! Then they couldn't read on top of that.

Ok discrepancy #2: why is there jigging...now if you have ANY remote knowledge of African American history, you should be familiar with: the black minstrel...you know the black men (or sometimes even white men painted in black tar) with white faces painted on....and they do this type of tap dance, flailing leg monkey type dance...yea well thts jigging...and there are two black characters jigging in the movie trailer...now...my academic researcher came out to survey the issue, and it pointed out that maybe, just maybe...that is fact...and if we want to be represented CORRECTLY...why not be represented by facts??? Makes sense right...the thing that is getting to us...is the fact that those facts are the truth...and u kno what grandma dem say: The Truth Hurts!!!

check out the firefly's teeth: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rjtdl1a_Jqc

Is Holly wood trying to tell us something though? Yea, they are. They are telling us about our history through a Disney Tale representing the FIRST BLACK PRINCESS!!! I know it is like..."but why: the teeth, the jigging, New Orleans, the witch craft?" Well, guess what folks? That is life...that is our HISTORY. Back in the day they could not afford dental care... (though there is no excuse for a ROBOT with jacked up teeth...aren't they suppose to be better than human?? jus saying) ...Back in the day: they did jig....New Orleans along with SOuth Carolina, and Virginia, and Georgia was like a cesspool of the black populous. The witchcraft...when you think New Orleans...be honest what comes to mind??? Well, besides Katrina and Wayne....I think of them Bayous and then next is the voodoo/hoodoo that take place there....that is AFRICAN heritage passed on people...

William Blackburn, former columnist at The Charlotte Observer, voiced his criticism of another matter. He stated that the "story is set in New Orleans, the setting of one of the most devastating tragedies to beset a black community" and felt the choice of this setting was "insensitive."

Here's the official trailer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O8N-kIiELUA&feature=channel

And that's all folks!!!!

It's Been A Long Time...I Shudn'ta Left You lol

2009-08-19T07:04:00.000-07:00

Sooooo its been like months...this summer I been working my ass off as a full-time employee at the Airport...I am a wheelchair agent...help disabled passengers get to their flights. Now I am a part-time employee doing the same thing. I started school like 2 dys ago, and the wkend before that I had drill orientation for my Naval ROTC unit....which was harsh...but I got through it and I am stonger...cause it didn't kill me. I must get back in shape tho.

I'm at Georgia State Uni. now, and its cool....I think I'm a stay here....only cause I know I won't be happy AT ALL at Tech. Just gotta convince Daddy.

I am still working on my car, and I am looking into my own apartment...its called MetroPointe Lofts and its close to both State and Tech and if u work 20 hrs a wk your rent is free.

I was sad as hell about not being with CHris n Hay n Rhe...but its cool I got over it.

I started dating thiss 23 yr old he's really sweet and smart...I like it...I may keep him around.

Anyways thats all for now....I'm in Latin right now....

Realizations

2009-06-22T10:01:00.000-07:00

I realized the man who cared and loved me always was always infron of me...Love you daddy.

I want to work on a poem...but I've been sooo listless these days...bought sum vitamins for tht shaw...lol.

I had a lot of fun with my girls this weekend...HAPPY BIRTHDAY ELISA!!! I love her, truly...she's a little me, she's going to UGA...living in my first resident hall...thats my baby...anyways...gotta start budgeting man...this spending isn't working...i believe I am trying to shy away from it cause it really means growing up.

Ugh, oh and sometimes no answer is all the answer you need!!!

Listening to Ego Remix...LOVE IT!!!

xoxoxoxox AP xoxoxoxox

How do you??

2009-06-17T21:27:00.000-07:00

Sooo I have a few questions...and dilemmas

I don't like being stuck on relationships...don't care about them...at least i use to not care but oh well...like a friend of mines say...guess I'm gettin old and boring...and contemplate relationships more now

well...I usually am giving advice on relationships...however....idk...I need advice myself...

If you want something...how do you get it...if tht person is not willing...do you leave it alone and let it slip away and wonder...or should you just stick it out???

Idk...I am really ride or die...but I feel like I need a cue to be given as to show that characteristic...b/c I don't want to show it all for the wrong person. I did that once already...not cool.

I have a lot of questions...and feel that they can only be answered by the man my conundrums pertain too...but ugh really and truly...someone elses advice will also help...though I hate talking to ppl about my situations and issues...b/c i feel like I am being a burden...idk...oh well...

My weekend was looking bright...but its dimming by the minute oh well...

xoxoxoxox AP xoxoxoxox

Slow Motion Reversed Notions

2009-06-14T00:10:00.000-07:00

Have you ever went up the escalator, and after getting off it feels like you are still moving?

Have you ever stood on an escalator and watch people pass you, but you are stuck where you are?

I guess I been working at the airport to long...I feel like this job is consuming my life b/c I am not healthy enough...I am soooo exhausted when I get home...or maybe b/c I have nothing to look forward to when I come home...

I forgot how easy it was to talk to my first love...he has really been there for me thru sum hard times.

I feel if I reverse back into Nigga Mentality...I would lose out...what is this feeling of being afraid that you'll miss out...tho you seeing all the signs that you ought to let go????

Hmmm....well yea....I got accepted into GA State...I wanna stay there for a yr...but my dad wants me to stay for only a semester and transfer to GA Tech....oh well...idk how to break that to him...I will wait till he gets me my car...then lol...umm can't get the phone I want...so pissed bout tht...I can't get on to limewire to get back my drake...pissed bout tht too lol, ummm wat else???? I miss this guy but idk if he really misses me...he acts like he could be thoughtful and really good with communication (unlike some ppl I kno) but then....i gotta let him go...cause he is going to be consumed by another force that I can't handle....

I was thinking the other day...I want to dress nicely and go out with a nice guy...why can't I get a date??? lol...I want a relationship now...but I feel like everytime I pursue one...or think one is in the making...the direction suddenly shifts to where I can see plainly that...no, not this time...Idk...i use to have the knack for bringing guys to their knees...but I feel like I am getting too mature....and I am beginning to lose said flair....idk...ugh w/e man...maybe it's just not my time...just pray, work, make money, and get thru this summer...establish myself i guess...

xoxoxoxox AP xoxoxoxox

2009-06-02T19:01:00.000-07:00

ugh: 9 to 5, joint pains, assholes in the work place, gettin hit on constantly....the life of a cute APA (Aiport Personnel Assistant)...lmao

Saw Reggie Bush in the airport...we went thru security check point, no stalka but dude smelled good...lol...or at least I think that is Reggie Bush.

I made a few new friends at my job, cool ppls man. But man I be exhausted when I come home.

Hanging with sum cool cats: Christina aka "Lady K" and Brandon "TarBaby" having fun man.

Scoping for the choosies...got my eyes on one!!! hahaha....

But my real reason for today is how to talk to a girl: (for the dudes)

Say hey, how are you, smile...

Say: My name is _____ how bout yours? (shake her hand...and say well ___ its nice to meet you)

Engage in stimulating conversation...

Try to focus on her face (not her chest or ass), you might see something you like there too (ex. her smile, maybe for starters ??!!! lol)

DO NOT: ask her if she got a man at the beginning of the convo, ask where he at (he not in her damn back pocket), use pick up lines (they are all lame), over do it with aggression

DO: talk to her, smile, tell her she's pretty or cute (or better yet compliment her smile, hair, clothing), shake her hand gently but still be firm.

End of Talking To Girls 101.

xoxoxoxox AP xoxoxoxox

It Just Came To Me Like An Epiphany

2009-05-28T15:57:00.000-07:00

I'm loving Chrisette Michele's song "Epiphany (I'm Leaving)"

I feel her...and the guy co-starring in her video (Drake) lol

Anyway...someone asked me to help them b/c they don't know how to deal with other peoples emotions....and I realized....hmmm....I don't know either...I just think I can tolerate it really well....I also know enough advice, and have played involuntary counselor far too many times to the point that I feel I have an answer for everything.

I DO KNOW...I can't deal with my own emotions though...I believe I abhor dealing with them....I'd rather just detach myself from the situation. It's less painful...well for me. I now realized what I was doing to other people....

And it came to me like an epiphany...........

Karma is paying me a visit....hmmm...I was wondering when it'll come back around for me...

Oh well....it can visit...because it's teaching me alot. I EMBRACE karma!!!

I thought that me stepping out my comfort zone and placing my cards on the table was not a good move...should have stayed behind my lil levees...so to avoid drowning in too many emotions. But in actuality...it was the best thing I could have ever done for myself. Though my heart felt trampled on through out the process.

WHY? Well, it makes me stronger...gave me more humility. You are weaker when you don't experience some hurt, pain, regret, neglect, and rejection. You build up immunity from these experiences...so you are stronger in the long run...it makes you a better person: more compassionate, more considerate, more appreciative...overall, ust more humble. Negative attributes however are: becoming more wary, more cautious, more shy....somewhat paranoid or suspicious. Hopefully, you get the more subtle trait of those negative things.

Well thats my Epiphany...It came to me Tuesday night.

xoxoxox AP xoxoxox

Sometimes You Just Gotta Let It Go

2009-05-22T20:41:00.000-07:00

soooo I haven't been on here for awhile....but I do have some sage word of advice for whoever is following.

When you feel like you are pursuing something, that should otherwise come naturally, it's ok to let it go...now I am not condoning giving up in endeavors that bring financial or personal changes, I'm talking in reference to relationships with the opposite sex.

Sometimes, although it may be hard...you just gotta let it goooo.

I learnt that lesson last year, and now I'm learning it again this year...just in a different situation...but nontheless a recap of the general concept of letting it go....

Symptoms that may have to result in letting go:

1. heartache

2. tears (sad ones lol)

3. constant disappointment

4. lack of communication <-- BIG ONE

5. constant excuses...for both parties

in order for any type of relationship to carry-on, in order for a family to stay together, for a company to continue running smoothly you need: (u guessed it) communication

Now Daddy's Little Girl realizes what Daddy been trying to tell her --> COMMUNICATION IS KEY....

for without it...you obviously can't open the door infront of you, therefore you won't know whats behind that door, and you won't be able to move forward!!!

As for me...and my lesson...since I don't have the key...I'm gonna move to another door...or just continue traveling down the hallway till another door opens...or till a key is given...(hope you followed the metaphor lol)

Au Revoir Mon Cheri!!!!

xoxoxox~AP~xoxoxox

UPDATE

2009-05-02T02:58:00.001-07:00

It's been a while

I've been running around with my head cut off...jeez...

I am really happy for some of my girls...they gettin theres in before the year over with...hmm which reminds me...lol

Finals....finals finals finals....to tell you the truth...I'm not all that scared...or that stressed...I have accepted that I may fail the shit out of my Geo test...and it was because since I "failed to prepare...i must prepare to fail"....so I am accepting my faith in that aspect...lol

Hist 2111 --> manageable...I love history so I should be fine (my nerdy ahhh lol)

Span 2002 --> ummm I got an 89.95 in the class, I think the final and my last composition will get me into that A range.

AfAm 4250 --> Hip Hop Hist...MY FAVORITE CLASS this semester....ugh...I love my professor, he's like my mentor...well he is...and I value his opinion highly, in this class I planned my first big even practically on my own with another colleague...through that event I was able to hook with Def Jam Poetry!!! Well anyway, I can either do the take home 12 page paper exam or the in class 40 ids and 1 out of 3 choices of the 6 given essays...idk...hard choice lol

Poli Sci 1101 (or 1102???) --> I got that tooo

Tuesday I could have three exams...but I'm going to do the 12 page paper for AfAm so thats less time conflicts and balance of stress....12 pages = 6 pages double spaced...I have four already....oh ya...so I am good bee

I hope...

well discussed with one of my bestest buddies, truths and secrets....and we both have decided to hold our secrets to ourselves for maybe a later date...but we gotta reevaluate our situations at the end of this week when finals are over, cycles have finished, and less stress and bitchassness is flowing....I know i have a lot of reevaluating to do...

Ugh, I had sooooooo much fun thursday-friday...ugh "this is what college is about" according to one of my girls...Now its time to bang the books. I am already feeling the pangs from missing my UGA folks especially my bestie and roomie Christina...oh well...we'll see each other...THIS AIN"T GOODBYE...but see you later... :_(

Imbalance of Emotional Intelligence and Female Intuition due to Technology

2009-04-16T08:35:00.000-07:00

Ok so a friend of mines who uploads videos on Facebook talking about different issues (Look him up: Kel Kel). And he added a very controversial, yet insightful installment of his Video Saga lol.

He talked about how Americans are so informal these days due to the increase in technological advances. And it is soooo true. No longer can I talk to the boy I really like on the phone until my dad or mom comes in and say get off the phone, theres no more dating, and the courting/woeing phase is most times eliminated from the "getting to know someone you are interested in" process.

1) Phones: when you talk on the phone (like my friend Kel Kel says) you get to hear the emotions, you get an immediate and raw reaction demonstrating the true nature of a person via their voice...so much less if you were in person, but I digress. Now in College, I must say it is WAY MORE EASIER to text any and everybody...including the parents AND my grandparents. I am usually very busy and so is the next person. So now texting has substituted the phone convo. With this convenience comes, of course a disadvantage: the emotional intelligence is lost, meaning things a person would usually say, attaching a voice to name, and hopefully a face, listening to the pitch and tone to gauge the type and level of emotion being conveyed. Its a form of body language. Plus, for me as a female it is very comforting to hear the voice of my male friend that I am interested in, and its cute because you know they try to put on the sexy voice late at night.

2) Facebook: this website, which is mainly for networking and convenience of communication, has become HOLLA CENTRAL...I have had so many dudes....even females try to "Holla" at me through facebook message or chat. Not cool. I mean if I kno you seen you around thats cool, then I may entertain me, but don't try to holla at me from Arkansas, lol. Facebook is a undercover stalker network. Its irritating.

The moral of the story is that: the element of emotion is lost due to convenience of communication....

What happened to those days...when we stayed up till late...falling asleep and drooling on the phone, battery dying...but u determined to continue this convo. (College happened)

I missed the dating thing...lets go walk...something...hold my hand...smile your way...give you the cute eye...you know...

All this technology is throiwing off my intuition, now I can't tell what he's feeling, or thinking...something I was good at when we talked alot on the phone. oh well....I only see us becoming lazier as times and advances progress.

But think about it lack of communication skills now in college: can hinder your skillls for the future world at large: in terms of people management skills, emotional intelligence, communication skills, and so on and so forth. Jus Saying....

I perform tonight, a poem entitled "The Wrong Place to Begin"

I'll post the poem after I perform it...and maybe the video...idk...lol...nervous as FUUUGGGGHHHH lol

I'll be fine tho...got get up there witht the mindset that they need this...they want this!!!! (so my friend has told me lol ;)

A.P.

When It Hurts So Bad....Why's it feel sooo Good??

2009-04-14T22:43:00.000-07:00

I feel like there's a song for every situation and emotion I feel...and its in my playlist...at least most of em are.

My week so far: is less stressful in terms of academics; I have THHEEEE BEST Spanish Professor in the world...yes sir.

I feel productive...I have done soo much.

Socially: I am really feeling emotional, and I really just want to cuddle...oh well

I finally really communicated my most awkward emotions to him. I think he got it, but then again idk if he did...lol

Buying my DRAKE tickets tomorrow bee...like wat it do...be down at GA Southern like was up with that!!!! Lmao...

I'm really really feeling Drake's "Little Bit [Remix]" feat Lykke. It really describes me.

Today (Tues. 14th, April) was very very awkward, with jus the way the day's situations panned out. Funny thats alllll I can say.

I am trying to figure out what poem I want to perform. Oh well, in due time.

Meantime...I'm just gonna wait...for the next couple of moments to pan out.

Me and my sis have gotten real close...I am really happy bout tht...YAY!!!!

Take A Night Off

2009-04-13T12:39:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking lately, and then I stop to realize
That the obvious is cited plainly, that a means to ostracize
Is taken with grandeur, pomp and circumstance
to hide the flaw, that you are caught in the instance
Of being exactly what you are trying to point fingers at
Sweep all your trash under the mat
Wondering...I hope didn't anyone see
That I am trying to induce my personality mishaps
vicariously
Onto a life that perhaps
Really just didn't want me.

The moral of the story is...just let it go...you ain't the one, and won't be...maybe for someone else...sorry. In the meantime...just stop that immaturity please!!!

Mientras de mis enemigos juegan con mi vida: Me amo este canción...reminds of someone I doooo care about lol...

Love You In Slow Motion......

2009-04-08T14:19:00.001-07:00

This song by Karina Pasian best describes my mentality at this point... in terms of love life...lol =)
(to listen to it....just scroll to the bottom of the page and it will automatically play in the playlist)

I Know That You've Been Calling Me,
And I'm happy that we met.
Don't think that I'm not interested.
I'm just playing hard to get

So much about this crazy game they call love
That I'm trying to understand,
So could you be my best friend,
Before you call yourself my man

Why can't I love you in slow motion,
Take my time,
Take away the pressure on my mind
Really get to know you
But rewind
Wanna love you in slow motion
Why can't I?

You seem to know just what you want
And I like your confidence
Some things a girl should never rush
Cause If you do you hurt yourself

So much about this crazy game they call love
I'm still trying to understand,
So could you be my best friend,
Before you call yourself my man

Why can't I love you in slow motion,
Take my time,
Take away the pressure on my mind
Really get to know you
But rewind
Wanna love you in slow motion
Why can't I

I'm too young for tears in the night
And it's to soon for this to be right
Don't wanna mess with your pride
The questions not when but why

Why can't I love you in slow motion,
Take my time,
Take away the pressure on my mind
Really get to know you
But rewind
I Wanna love you in slow motion
Why can't... I

The Mental Side of Things

2009-04-07T00:41:00.000-07:00

soooo i realize the psychological effect of the assimilation of smell, memory and emotions is so relative. (random i kno)

but it's true....the brain more vividly stimulates mental images and emotional charges when exposed to a specific scent.....GEEK SQUAD on deck...lmao

so enuf w/ the nerdy fact of the day.

I got my new phone...Friday...and I love it...well somewhat...it's still irritating...but while I sat on the bus to class vehemently probing the touch screen to fulfill some type of awesome technological destiny...I stopped and realized....why????? Why couldn't a mediocre, get-the-job-done phone suffice....I'm becoming a lil techno-head like the father figure.

I talked to my mom about EV-AR-RAY-THANG...lol...I told her I was no longer her 'little girl' and wat not....and she laughed and explained to me that sex is just another means for an outlet for stress or built up anxiety, ain't nothing wrong with a lil sumthin' sumthin'...jus don't bring home a lil sumthin' sumthin' that leak, burn, causes breakage of the genitalia, or cries...lmao.

While on that subject, I am still VERY shocked at the ALL the events that took place starting from Thursday of last week. Crazy ass 4 dy weekend.

Got to spend time with my cuzzo...made a new REAL chill ass friend, and white frat parties...hahahaha. Mending a shaky relationship...but its still dead...just gotta charge it up lmao.

Danger on For the Love of Ray-J....it's getting REALLY REALLY hard to support you sweetie with all those antics u keep pulling yo. lol....Yes I have been sucked in to tht coon of a show...lmao

Geo test tomorra and I have just stopped studying...not that I have covered everything...I jus gave up...oh well...study 5 mins b4 test time I guess.

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I am very confused....I have partaked in something that I plan on doing again, however now there are more parties involved and I can't risk compromising the foundation of either parties...damn it!!!!

I talked to one of the close bruhs (lol) and she said: "Sometimes, as a female, we automatically assume things change after certain events....but forget that males may not be on that same page"

My nigga mentality says things, are still the same....jus more solidified....and my female side says: weeeell, I think...and stops...nigga mentality overrules her and she is subdued to believe that she is not ready for commitment, does not have time, and still needs to explore while she can!!!!

Can't shake this feeling thats creeping up on me........

A.P.

Sooner than later

2009-03-30T22:50:00.001-07:00

I realized today...that I care more than I try to put off....

I think its happening to me...again...but this time it may have been there, and may never really leave. I feel like my friend/consultant...(she and I are like effin twins)...but yea I feel like her...I can't say it...or i'm scared to say it...but i def admit it. Do I? Could I? Damn, but if I am...how did I let that happen? or say something different to that one?

Damn, I'm all types of messed up.

But I do kno...that I am secretly becoming obsessed with the fact that I could wake up next to my future........destiny...My end is so far but yet so close...cause what I do now can potentially directly affect my tomorrow negatively, or my indirectly affect my next week positively...ain't it funny how positive karma takes forever to come back ten-fold, but negative karma be sitting right next to tht ass as the deed ios done...

I am in love.....there i said it....with Drake's- Sooner than Later...that mess is bout to be in the playlist...bout to set the mood...yes girls set the mood to bag 'em...lol jk...

I used to wish...hopefully one day...."he would realize I'm everything he's missing"....I'm feeling this feeling...Idk how to describe it...i jus kno i been feeling a lot lately...and its getting warmer...hmmm....this is disturbing...lmao

But yea...you ain't even gotta ask twice, we can share my heart like the last slice!!!

I think I lost my priorities...need to find them hoes...fck!!!

Irony in the MP3

2009-03-25T23:42:00.000-07:00

For some reason...i thought of ______ and this song came on and kept replaying....idk y...but i took it as a sign...and nxt thing I kno...plans were made to get together again...

Here I Go Again by Rihanna....(pre-Chris Brown lmao)

It's been a minute since I saw you boy
Must admit it's good to hear your voice
And I guess that I forgot just how you make me feel when your around
See you haven't lost your sense of style
And you still could melt me with your smile
Can't deny that I still got these feelin' deep inside

It's funny how things could change
But still remain the same
Isn't love just a crazy game
Baby here I go again

I look into your eyes and then
My heart remembers when
And I realize I neva gotten over you
Everytime I hear your name
It's like the sun shined through the rain
And I realize it's happening
Baby here I go again

Still remember how you make me weak
How I fought to find the words to speak
I just cant excape the memories
I tried but I just cant break free
Thought I closed the door on what we had
But these feelings just keep comin back
Didn't think that you could make me loose control like that

Sweet lovin' is my ting
So you know mi got fi swing
That's why yuh request it again
Without a doubt yuh want to spend
And to experience it again
Because yuh love the way yuh felt back then
So make me light it up again
Reignite the flames again
'Cause you really miss 'dem days when we used to chill
Up on the hill watch the sun set in West Nigril
Girl yuh Trini beauty it a gimme di chill
Not to mention the way you are within

I feel so special...no one understands...

Oh, one more thing...aye man...she been making an impressive hit in my life...Hayatt Ababiya-Paul (yea he don't get no last name lol...she know who will put a ring on it lmao), SHOUT OUTS...I really feel like you get me...like I love you wifey!!! She has def. shown me things (pause lol) and taught me things (pause again)...Good to know she got my back...cause you fucked up if she is the opposititon...well unless u the Big Bitch...lmao...but i digress!!!

And I hope my hubbington Chris feels better...I kno he will...he just needs to take care of himself. Praying for you!!!

The Black Culture Industry and It's New Outlet/Serendipity!!!

2009-03-20T20:41:00.000-07:00

There is a lil nook in NY off Lexington Ave. that sell the most indulgent food...especially ice cream creations.

Serendipity: unexpected happiness

I have been unexpectedly happy for the past two weeks. Regardless of my woes and troubles...there has been two people who have been cheering me up...starting from the depths of my soul. Yes that deep and profound.

I met a special friend in NY he has been a very understanding cat...I really appreciate him! Shout outs to Chris...the facebook hubby!!!

My special friend...he jus makes me smile...he's been around!!! lol

I miss my niggas from HARLEM bee...lol, and they miss me and the crew too. Shout outs to hubbington and dubington Chris and Phil....or Chrisington and Philington, My PuertoRiqueno Papi and Trini-Jamaican Saga Bwoy!!!! iHearts them mucho.

I was o.d. pissed the other night...and it eventually dissipated into my realizing that that person is how that person is...and i shud not expect much more.

In African American Studies class: Hip Hop History, we discussed the assimilation of the Black Culture Industry into every aspect of media...Video-Gaming...think of Grand Theft Auto. Talked about the industrialization of the Black Culture: all the Grand Theft Autos and hot coffee mug codes...has denigrated the Black culture especially its women.

Apparently white males between the ages of 17-25 are the largest consumer bracket of these games, such as Grand Theft Auto. These 'gangster/hustler' games portray the urban community as vile and viciously violent...they even portray hookers/prostitutes and show them 'givin' head' or having sex, and the way in which the male f***s the girl measures his 'pimp ability'.

I say: you can't get mad...b/c people portray stereotypes that has proven itself at some point in time...however, are we doing anything to change that image? Of course we are, with tip drill, Chris and Rihanna, Pimps with pimp cups, video vixens, and sexually explicit song lyrics that further trod on the already dismantled image of the minority woman! We are doing all we can (hint:sarcasm)

Sad =-(
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Some people believe relationships and attraction occurs only between you and the person you are sexually attracted to.

Like no homo...but I was attracted to my best friend Christina...she was strong and bold...something i like...

And you obviously/unconsciously are attracted to your parents because you inadvertently search for a man/woman that is mostly like your father/mother.

But onto other things: I wore my hair natural and everyone been complimenting me and asking why I don't wear it like that more often...and I asked myself tht question too...as I was straightening it back out. lmao

Saturday came n went...n left me emotional about a track meet than i ever cared...lmao!!! O.D.

I am listening to Kid Cudi feat. Jim Jones Day and Night...love it!!!!

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But back to Serendipity....I am quite content with life...well not really, but I'm learning to deal with it...I have too many health issues and shit riding on my health to stress myself at this point!!!!

Oh and I found a very close friend in someone unexpected, I never would have known how much her and I were in common!!! iHearts my lil Egyptian Radical lmao...Oh Em Gee how ironic...she introduced me to Serendipity 3 (tht great place) , told me the meaning of the word Serendipity...aww she's part of my unexpected happiness!!!! lol

No solace for the wearisome

2009-03-17T11:51:00.000-07:00

Ugh, I'm in history as we speak...and instead of typing notes my mind is bouncing all over the place about what my next move is.

Apparently, my NROTC scholarship didn't tell me had to apply to the school of my choice in the first place...they were soo vague on the instructions...is this how its gonna be at boot camp...or for the next couple of years in the military???

Feelings starting to get deeper...need to let it go...cause I have no time for feelings....love just don't live here no mo' lol....i'll work something out...

I need to figure out how this weekend is gonna work out....Lord knows my hearts wishes

Now I have to go apply to GA TECH...I hope I get in...I am actually VERY nervous...my first semester wasn't that great....I regret my first semester matter of fact...this is def not gonna be easy...ugh...Its not that I can't do the application or pay for it...1) I miss the deadline for transfer application for the fall semester and 2) i'm scared of rejection....

I go soo much too plan...figure how I feel towards things (yes I think about how I feel consciously and cautiously)

I saw someone yesterday and it was awkward as fck...well not really lol...I was laughing at that person cause they looked stupid looking at me...ah well not my problem

I am afraid of change...I am ready for new things just not sure how to go about gettin to it...i have no one on my back...anymore...Daddy has finally given me my independence...I kinda want him to take it back and take me back under his wings...cause his little peanut is scared!!!! =\

I really would like a hug from my bestie...or anyone...but they are not here....=(

I noticed jus how inconsiderate really are...but the thing is they have no clue...or they do and are cunningly aware of this....hmmmm

I look back on my past and wish certain ppl weren't apart of it...I cringe every time I think of you being in my past...I'm disgusted....*proceeds to puke lol

I digress...gotta get back on this grind...things happen for a reason i guess...I jus gotta do what i gotta....to keep it moving

Spring Break High

2009-03-16T11:22:00.001-07:00

So, the last time I wrote I was basically spazing ova mid-terms...oh well, I made it to see Saturday.

We left Saturday afternoon for New York, and as soon as we landed we were out the house and in Harlem. Ridiculous. Spent the night at this guy name Phil's house, me and the roomie all cuddled up with a stranger named Chris...but by the end of the vacation I think we've all forged life long friends, and I a marriage...lmao.

Lets see who did I meet: Momma Ann, Auntie Pam, David, Abigail, Taylor, Phil, Chris, Miss Niza, Ashley, Noel, Pete, Maine, Andrew, 2 other guys lol, ugh tooo many ppl to keep track of.

A few things I've learned about myself: I can't be a trap girl cause I would drop the product lol; my opinion and presence is worth something to even a stranger, I look more like my daddy's brother lol; I have serious nigga mentality; down for almost anything (and thats not in a sexual manner either); I LOVE SERENDIPITY; I can now see people for WHAT they really are...but I still have the compassion to love as is; I am quite loyal (even to my fbk hubby lol); I maybe Twerkmaster but in New York, them dudes can shut u down if they really wanted too (thanks Phil)

SEX: sex is a physical union of two bodies (usually b/w man and woman, but today it goes either way). Usually, according to cultural standards, the FEMALE ought to 'catch feelings' by the time of sexual intercourse....but maybe its just the Nigga mentality in me...I've become kinda numb to feelings...not that they are non-existent...but they can't be seen by the naked eye (ooo i'm using that in a poem). But sex should not be treated as a fling....but as it says a UNION...celibacy is the way to go if you can't understand...by the end of two months, no matter how horny you are, you kinda appreciate the union of a man and woman...or well, w/e floats your boat.

I am in love with Serani's song "No Games"; I was so happy in NY...EVERYONE IS CARIBBEAN...EVERY PARTY PLAYS CARIBBEAN MUSIC...ahhh its a beautiful thing

I'm still tripping off Lloyd...(the singer)...
Lloyd peering over the Delta carousel: "Um excuse me...what are your sneakers"
Me: "Oh hey, they are Reeboks"
Lloyd:"WHere'd you get em?"
Me: "New York"
Lloyd:"SO where you from?"
Me: "Brooklyn and Trinidad"
Lloyd: " so y'all dance like this..." (he proceeds to boggle)
Ashly: ??? " Umm yea" (she smirks...ahhh people)....he tries to holla but I try to put him off on a friend who wasn't even there...damn...sorry bruh

Oh and I LOOVE MY DADDY...and a lil sad I couldn't get to see my bestie....maybe Friday =)

-AP

We justify our faults through the flaws of others

2009-03-03T13:31:00.001-08:00

Random ish....

I dislike judging people....because I know all what I have done, is bout as bad as the next. So "those without sin shall cast the first stone".....(silence).....yea didn't think so.

Compromise: I REALLY try to compromise with even the most ass of a jerk. But sometimes it just doesn't work. Not my problem...transference of "i give a damn"....

Intelligence: should not be insulted.

Love: not for me...right now at least.

Sex: I support it...but celibacy is also supported if you are trying to regain composure.

I am listening to a certain song....and I am wondering is that how I made that person feel. Not like I tried...but that person got a close friend that can ease the pain. I've done my best.

I go back to last year...and wonder would I REALLY change things I've done....and the truthful answer when I dig deep inside...is NO...because it is wat makes me who I am today.

I feel like too many people tryna talk to me...I really just want to study lol....like real talk. Be my friend dude, stop tryna pass by Morris hall (my residence hall)...I dedicate Little Brother- Step Yo Game Up (or i think thats the title) to y'all...lmao.

I got a really close best friend...and me and him fell out on Sunday...but he called me today...I noticed how much I do love him and no matter how much we butt heads he'd my saving grace. (ihearts my papa) lol

I just created an awesome playlist....uhhh yes...brings back many memories.....

AYYYYYYEEEE: my HIST 2111 EXAM WAS CANCELLED...effin bet my nig.

Anyway thats all the random ish on my mind today. Off to work...then studying. YAY...my life as a College Student!!! <3

When You Think You Learn The Ropes...

2009-03-02T00:05:00.000-08:00

So I realized today after tlkin to a new friend that if you did what YOU feel was right...then how another person interprets it is on them...why? B/c everyone has a different perspective of each situation. And thats just something you can't help...no matter how hard you try. You know that whole three sides to a story phenomenon.

2008:
I learned...I can actually fall in love
Desensitization of Love leads to increased naivety (if thts a word)
Sometimes when you think you running the game, boy the game be running you
Just when you think you have lost a friend...you notice they never left your side.
That good things are worth fighting for
Too much of one thing is not good.
I am VERY complicated...even for myself lol
I love to shop lol especially when I'm emotional (not good at all lol)
I am growing up, and growing up and growing up...never seem to be grown...but even when you are 'physically grown' you still have growing to do
Friendship def. lasts longer than relationships.
Don't burn your bridges no matter who was in the wrong. Try cause Jesus would.

Before I left high school, you know year book signing time, I always signed with a quote: "To ask and be forgiven is holy, but to forgive...is divine." Only Jesus seems to have tht all-divine forgiveness thing going on. I try...even to the most hurtful people.

This year I have learned kinda how to prioritze...i had to let go of someone...I thought it was the best thing for my college career since I have to focus...but after dealing with that, I realized no matter how old you get, the more immature you become, why because your judgement is skewed by your own biasness that you have molded for years, and the older you are the worse it gets. Oh well, thats just the way of the world, we ain't breeding Saints no more...are we? lol

But it don't phase me, why because it just wasn't our time...not til God says it is...and things happen for a reason.

Someone str8 outta left field made it into my life...idk what tht is all about but it may be a great friendship, seems like tht person has changed some what. But yea...more on that later. I guess

Umm...I notice a lot of ppl having relationship issues...why??? Probably cause its Mid-Term season, and temptation-awaiting for the Spring Break season also. lol

It snowed today, I wore the wrong shoes, and my feet went numb and I had to walk at least a qtr of a mile back to my room. It was torture...i fell in the snow and laid there frustrated and on the verge of tears. But i was scared that if I shed a tear it'd freeze on my cheek....lol...I almost hyperventilated on the way back...and my roomie basically saved me...IDK what I would do w/o her.

We had HELLA snow...it was sooo pretty....But it cut the power...so me and my Roomie went outside and played in the snow...and of course TAKE PICTURES DUH!!! Came in the room fell asleep...great!!! Gotta study for GEO and HIST...help me BABY JESUS lol

Oh if you are reading this and you are a poet or know of one or some and can come out to Athens GA anytime after a couple of wks after Spring Break. email me at ashpaul90@yahoo.com

~A*P~

MY DOUBLE CONSCIOUSNESS

2009-03-01T17:12:00.000-08:00

I understand I am human
I make mistakes...I will apologize
if you tell me...show me
but don't be condescending about it...
I AM VERY PROUD and MY EGO is...tooo big, too wide, too strong
I don't mind if you tell me "Hey Ashly...look such and such, could you not do tht"or "u can do tht better"
People who I have trusted to lead me down the right path, or hold my feelings in consideration are the main ones that do the WORST....
I kno for a fact I hate say I'm sorry, but when I know I was wrong whether or not I was intentionally being a bitch or not...I know I gotta do the right thing...And of course I ain't gonna like that shit...but I do it...b/c I kno how much what ever it is meant a lot to you...

When Ashly Paul stops caring bout people...trust and believe they'll feel it.

I love and care for almost anyone, as long as you give me my space, and don't think you better than me because you think you always on my good side.

I am def. not good with communication but if I can tell you ain't talkin to me enuf...then something is wrong.

I will put out as much as you give me.

I don't need your money, never did never will. I can't do my shit on my own. No matter how much I kno I need help...once again pride gets the best of me.

And don't go behind my back to discuss our situations ALL the damn time...come to me at some point I'm here I care too. Then turn around and act like I am suppose to know wat the hell on your mind

I have nigga mentality...so whateva you thinking now...I been thought of. I am ALWAYS ahead....why? Because when you stay back you get trodded on an left back

but i digress and i have moved on...u trust no one except u w/ matters of the heart.

I raised myself...And I ain't no fool

2009-03-01T11:49:00.000-08:00

So all my life I've been mostly independent.
Not saying NO ONE at all hasn't helped me, but I've always got my ish done by myself. No Mommy, No Daddy, No Granny, No Auntie. Jus Ashly...
I am quite happy with pulling thru on my own. But damn I ask the one person who is trying to make a comeback in my life (a sorry one at tht) for something that person already agreed to doing, and I'm getting sum BS thrown my way. Ridiculous.
And they ask why I don't ask for help?
B/c ppl are sorry they always reneging on they claims and promises, jus don't make none. I could understand if you making an effort, but when you become selective in your effort, meaning you would exert more energy to help another instead of me, or if i were them....then you piss me off.

I absolutely hate blatant hypocrites...I am hypocritical, its human nature, but when I kno i am being hypocritical I step back and apologize. Thats what I know is the Adult Thing to do...maybe that person should take they own damn advice these days.

I think I have done good for myself, eventhough my family supported me I was the one who kept my grades up and studied, I was the one that filled out the scholarship application an d created my own networks. I am the one that funded my first year in college, with only one loan. I am the one who enlisted in the NAVY and gained a $180k scholarship to go to any school I choose. The only thing I can really say I needed help with was shopping for my dorm, and a laptop. Other than that, I bought my books, I paid back any loans from my Dad. I already started paying off the loan I have now. I SECURED MY FUTURE!!!!

Oh and that one time I overdrafted he helped me, but that was b/c he happened to find the letter, I NEVER ask for anything. Cause I do for me.

I am just pissed, that my own Dad who wants me to appreciate his efforts never appreciates mine. And I believe mines are substantial.

But like a friend of mines always say.....lo que sea.

Midterms...Go Smart...Do Work...Get Attendance esp. for exams!!!

Midterms

2009-02-28T22:22:00.000-08:00

Ok soooo its midterm time...and I am tired of studying....GEO and HIST on tuesday, SPAN and AFAM thursday, and POLS Friday...

But NY soon...counting down 6 days from now...tickets paid for...gotta fly coach this time...oh well.

Shopping and Family...

Thought of someone today...but yea...

Lo que sea...

ummm....never promoting for a party again...unless i have more time...lol

Planning a Night of Soul for my African American Studies HIP HOP class.

need poets...interested?

and thts alll folks!!!!